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The Lost Colony Book Code (original)

Below is the original code from “Artemis Fowl: The Lost Colony” decoded into English. The code is originally written in Gnommish.

The Code

The demon scrolls tell of a warlock that will come to save our people but I wouldn’t rely too much on the scrolls. They also say that rabbits are the supreme beings and that the best cure for a sore throat is a poultice of dung and old socks. Hence trust the scrolls at your peril. There are however a few basic tips for survival in a demon tribe that might be helpful if you were a human say and had never actually met a demon before. Which is unlikely to say the least. If you were human you wouldn’t be able to read this in the first place.

So. Demon survival tips. First, never stab a demon with his own sword. This is the ultimate insult and will result in a vendetta that could go on for generations. It is fine to stab a demon with your sword – he will congratulate you for managing that – but only poor warriors lose their swords and then get stabbed with them. If the opportunity arises give it a miss. Second, demons have a pretty comprehensive system of sign language in which buttock slapping features heavily. It is very important not to slap the wrong buttock. Never slap someone else’s buttock unless they stab you with your own sword, that is considered very bad manners. And learn the difference between the left buttock slap and a right buttock slap. If a passerby aims his buttocks at you and slaps the left one it means that there is a full moon due that evening and he hopes you will join him for the traditional hunt. If he slaps the right buttock it simply means that you remind him of his right buttock. You can see where the problems could arise. Finally, never sneeze into your fist. Always allow the sneeze to run free into the air. Medical demons assure us that the sneeze comprises of millions of tiny flying demons that zoom around the earth until they can find a human to land on. When they alight on their host humans they hack into their scalps with tiny axes causing terrible headaches which make the humans easy to defeat in battle. So when a demon sneezes immediately slap your right buttock in the direction of the sneeze so that the tiny demons can pass on the message to the human they land on.